Certainly, I want you to change your mind, see life the way it appears to me. That way I can get what I want, and I do enjoy that. I understand as much as I’m going to about my recent personal situation.
But I also know that I can push myself too far. Offer more than I have to spare. Both with the defense and this recent personal matter, I had no idea how far I could fall. How badly it would hurt when I hit the ground. The pain was beyond my scope of experience, and my confidence – the stubborn nature, the cheerful willingness to continue on in the face of disappointments, the belief that things work out for a reason – shattered. First professionally – I’m paralyzed by self doubt at work, and now personally.
There’s no shame in taking another path. I know that – it’s better to do that when you’re really sure that your part of life isn’t working well. My life isn’t working. But I’m so afraid that I can’t figure out what to do about it – I just keep doing what I’ve always done. Being unhappy and worried or ignoring it. Wondering where I’m going from here. Trying to find motivation and focus where there is none. Working to feel pleased with the accomplishments.
Every aim gets destructed when life takes you at such a spot that finding yourself in the midst of the thousands of questions lefts you unanswered. People tell that it happens with the age you cover. I waited for the age to pass. But the only answer I used to get from myself was “I’ve lost myself “. What is that I can’t understand, that from which phase my life is passing by? Why do I fear future? Why am I not able to conquer that fear?
I was becoming an underdog in my life. . My way in life was getting too blurry for me to make out where I would land. With this fear I felt to sort out the puzzle of my life. I started seeking different means which would help me draw myself out from the deep excavation I had landed.
The world of religion seemed to be very alien to me. But, the impatience to cure myself from the assault of the fear made me do everything that would have possibly helped me gaining my identity back to me. It made me head towards the land of mere beliefs. I visited the places which made me feel at peace but it didn’t last long and may be it lasted till I opened my eyes from the fear that approached me again.
I am giving my best in trying to give people my every bit in order to make them feel comfortable with me and they are supposed to like me! Especially those to whom I have never done anything bad or those I like. I pity those, who dislike a person who can’t try to think as superior to others, they feel that I am arrogant; rather they should think that I am timid because I don’t want to approach anyone. I don’t want to analyze people anymore because it’s so humiliating to be wrong. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t know that I can cope with another failure. I’m not sure it’s worth it.
So it’s not so much that I’m lost. I’m hiding. Almost all the time – carefully considering my steps, feeling suspicious over people and reason though said feeling is foreign to me, wondering when the next blow will come and what will become of me when it does. I’m stable – or rather more stable than I was. The pills are helping and I’m recovering more every day. But not being this way is hard.im trapped with my own self. I just want to continue living like this being a stranger to myself.
